10 Awful Movies People Think Are Cool

troy

Troy Duffy, director of a ‘cool’, albeit awful, movie.

‘Coolness’ is hard to define, as it should be.  I suspect it’s difficult because coolness is an X factor.  It’s the swagger generated by the totality of a bunch of compartmentalized variants or something.  It’s also because coolness is not a science, it’s a feeling.  However, like most things, although it can’t be defined, it can be explained.  And, contrary to popular belief, explaining it is fun.  It doesn’t ‘kill it’ as so many pseudo-smart, sanctimonious anti-thought peddlers would have you believe.

Coolness in art comes from the same place it does in people. Confidence, fluidity, and angular punctuation shape coolness. It’s why Bob Dylan is cool and Neil Diamond isn’t. You can just tell.  That’s the feeling.  But the explanation is in their art.  Bob Dylan’s music, sonically, is constructed in a way that doesn’t seem to care that much about whether people will accept it (his most popular song is a six minute regurgitation of the same riff over and over, lead by pointed yet abstract lyrics—its accessibility is in its zesty originality, its coolness).  That’s confidence.  Neil Diamond clearly tries too hard, and it shows in his broad, watered down, bombastic, wannabe deep, shallow pop.

Movies work exactly the same way.  There are many movies that are cool and many many more that strive to be. Casablanca is a classic, but it’s not cool.  Neither is Lawrence of Arabia, The Bridge Over the River Kwai, or The African Queen for that matter.  On the other hand, Blade Runner is a classic simply because it’s cool.  I mean, just compare the names—The African Queen certainly sounds boring, whereas Blade Runner obviously sounds like a thing that would excite a group of eighth graders.

What I’ve done here is put together a list of the top ten movies that are popular solely based on their respective cool factor.  As is the case with Blade Runner, some of these titles are even considered classics just because of how ‘cool’ they are. Each movie listed was ranked based on the ratio between its coolness and its suckiness.  (Although they all suck terribly.)  It took me a while, but I have indeed actually ranked them, not just thrown them together in random order.

 

darknight

10. The Dark Knight (2008) | Dir. Christopher Nolan

The Dark Knight really should be number one, but since I already covered it in depth in my A Delicious Batman Smoothie essay, I wanted to just move on to other titles.  For all practical purposes though, you could really switch number 10 with number 1 for a more accurate ranking.

 

bluevalentine

9. Blue Valentine (2010) | Dir. Derek Cianfrance

Blue Valentine follows a litany of mindless, sexually explicit ‘experiential films’ like 9 Songs, and I’m assuming Last Tango in Paris, though I’ve never seen it.  It’s one of those movies that’s heralded for having ‘daring’ performances.  But really, who gives a fuck if Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams lived together to prep for their roles as part of some method acting jack-off fantasy.  They’re both good actors, but watching them argue, be moody, and fuck, is boring as shit. Truly great and difficult performances are found in real movies with real characters that have to do things real humans do, rather than just emote off each other over the course of some meaningless ‘erotic’ journey.

It is kinda worth it to see Michelle Williams’ butt though—and I guess, for girls, to see Gosling all naked and shit.

 

snatch

8. Snatch (2000) | Dir. Guy Ritchie

Oy, bullocks, poppet, I’ve got de iron, de rinnggaa, meh meh meh.  With a simple freeze frame and title card, this movie informed an entire decade of style-over-content.  So, thanks for that.

 

train2

7. Trainspotting (1996) | Dir. Danny Boyle

People seem to think drugs are cool.  That’s why they keep making drug movies and why they keep making them in a very kinetic and ‘gritty’ way.  But it’s all flash and style.  If Goodfellas wasn’t so goddamn cool you wouldn’t have Blow, an uncool (but touted as cool) movie.  Blow isn’t cool because it’s not that cool.  Goodfellas is cool because it’s an amazing movie.  The coolness of its execution—found in the jagged camera movements and angular editing, punctuated by a super cool sound track—is organic to the story. And what could be cooler than that?

Trainspotting is just a stylistic, meandering mess that people like because of god knows why.  Maybe it’s the Britishness.  People like that shit.  Or the heroin.

 

countryfor

6. No Country For Old Men (2007) | Dir. Joel & Ethan Coen

Movie for movie, the Coen Brothers are basically the best filmmakers of all time.  But somewhere around the turn of the century, they fell off pretty hard.  It started with Intolerable Cruelty, followed through with The Ladykillers, and culminated with A Serious Man.  Nobody really cared about any of those, but the one you’ve all gotten behind is No Country—perhaps the most vapid movie of all time.

The inciting incident is a character making an absolutely retarded and illogical decision.  ‘Because I have arbitrary honor, I’m going to risk my life just to bring a guy water that I don’t even know, for no reason’.  What results is a cat-and-mouse thriller that actually has some very effective parts in the middle, which is to be expected from the guys who made Blood Simple.  But ultimately, a cat-and-mouse chase only works if you have one clear villain.  Woody Harrelson’s character is needlessly shoehorned in, then eliminated, making his portion of the story completely unnecessary.

The movie’s unraveling ultimately lies mostly on the dreadfully boring and directionless Tommy Lee Jones character.  Any energy the movie had is sucked away into the black hole of this god awful character.

Raising Arizona is literally the best movie ever made.  And The Big Lebowski and Fargo aren’t much worse.  So what the fuck happened?

I will say though that the movie’s existence is worth it for the submitted picture of Roderick Jaynes at the Oscars when his Best Editor nomination came up.

 

inception

5. Inception (2010) | Dir. Christopher Nolan

See the South Park episode Insheeption. Season 14, Episode 10.

 

brick

4. Brick (2005) | Dir. Rian Johnson

If not for Looper, Rian Johnson would be high in the running for worst director all time.  It’s not just that Brick is a dumb idea, it’s that it’s a dumb idea executed pretentiously.  Most ‘deliberate’ movies are pretentious because their deliberateness is bankrupt.  Signs, the best movie ever made, is deliberate, but it’s deliberate in a way that builds information and serves the story.  It’s deliberateness is organic, and makes sense, which is genius.  Movies like Brick, which have far less to say, are deliberate solely for style.  They simply insist we look at all the pretty shots, and think we’ll get entranced by the world or some crap.  Well, some people do—I guess it’s like movie drugs or something.  If you’re this type of person, watch Wendy and Lucy.  It’s the best (by which I mean worst) deliberate movie of all time.

Brick is about wanting it to be cool that a bunch of teens talk like a movie from the 40’s.  Looper is about that too—but since they’re adults, and it’s in the future, it’s actually fun to watch.

For further good, deliberate viewing (good meaning actually good this time) go watch all of Errol Morris’s documentaries.  They’re some of the best ever made.  Namely, The Thin Blue Line, The Fog of War, Mr. Death, the show First Person,  and Gates of Heaven.

 

dondark

3. Donnie Darko (2001) | Dir. Richard Kelly

I guess I like that Noah Wyle and Seth Rogen are in it.  Seth Rogen is in it for about the exact right amount of time that Seth Rogen should be in any movie.  As a Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared alumni, I fucking love the guy with all my heart, but enough is enough.

Donnie Darko might even get a pass if Richard Kelly’s movies got better.  It would then at least have been an interesting beginning. Instead, Southland Tales and The Box serve only to expose the utter ineptitude of it.  It’s a movie that’s constantly reaching—for instance, those bubble goop time trail things—but never finding anything, and is instead a stylistic exercise in style for the sake of style.  Not just visually, but in content as well.  Its coolness status makes sense because eighth graders think style is smart.  (Are you noticing a pattern here?)

 

boon

2. The Boondock Saints (1999) | Dir. Troy Duffy

The Boondock Saints is unequivocally the worst directed movie of all time.  Often times, the shots don’t even make sense, and the camera movements are literally sloppy.  It’s a movie made by a dickhead, and it shows.  A movie made by a guy who thinks he’s tough, but isn’t.  And oh boy does that show.  If you’re looking for proof, there’s a documentary chronicling the whole thing—it’s called Overnight, and it’s really good.

This movie is so popular that it spawned a sequel, some 10 years later, despite the horrible reputation of the director.  I’d love to watch the sequel as a joke, but the first one was such a dreadful experience that I just can’t bring myself to.  It was one of those ‘gritty indies’ in the wake of Pulp Fiction that was all street and sanctimonious.  It was a big promise and a lot to live up to and like its’ contemporaries, I’m thinking Go and blah blah blah but while those movies just suck Boondock Saints is joke bad.  The characters are cartoonishly silly, the drama is melo and overwrought and the general point of view reeks of wannabe toughness.

The fact that anyone thinks it’s cool is beyond me, so I almost can’t explain it.  I guess eighth graders just really like guns.

 

amel

1. Amelie (2001) | Dir. Jean-Pierre Jeunet

Perhaps I’m soured because I once asked a girl I loved what her favorite movie was, and she said Amelie.  Or maybe it’s because every fucking girl in high school liked Amelie.  But really, Amelie is so fucking annoying it’s hard to even talk about.  It’s hard to even look at.  In fact, besides a super hot annoying girl, I couldn’t even tell you what it’s about.  Something about France or something?

If you’re questioning whether or not Amelie is considered cool, you’re raising a fair point—if you’re a male, that is.  But just go ask a girl, preferably a brunette, between the ages of 13 and 65.  They adore it.

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29 Responses to 10 Awful Movies People Think Are Cool

  1. Neddy Boy M says:

    You may also recall that Roderick Jaynes is also a fine director, having helmed the movie Line In The Sand. He brings a light, decidedly British, touch to the heavy affair of selling your soul to Sonny Pomerantz.

  2. Maya says:

    You forgot Empire Records.

  3. George Davis III says:

    For a second, I thought, “I’ve seen only one of these movies, and I liked it,” that movie being Snatch. I had forgotten that I’ve seen Donnie Darko; but, why wouldn’t I?

    Your brush is a little too broad for the Amelie demographic, though. It’s mostly just super awful, completely-consumed-by-self-perceived-girlness type girls who like that movie. Girls who major in some kind of art in college, never touch that art a day in their lives after graduation, then become a kindergarten teacher — ‘cuz, you know, they’ve always loved kids(!). They majored in that art (or offshoot of art, like the ever popular “Art History”) for the same reason they really like that movie. The “girlness” inside them is just too expressive, creative and observant to be restrained by convention. They don’t realize “girlness” doesn’t exist, they aren’t cute, they’re just another dude and nobody ever cared but their parents and the person who made that movie.

    Right now, many girls think I’m talking specifically about them. I’m not.

    • Kosi says:

      As a girl who dropped out of a music major but is now actively persuing music as a career, kind of hates kids, and saw that movie once and thought “meh, that didn’t suck, but it wasn’t very good either” I think your definition is spot on.

  4. Wait? Signs is the best movie ever made?? you are JOKING right? Do you know what people think is cool and ironic but is actually smug and stupid? saying things like Signs is the best movie ever made in an article about movies people think are cool but aren’t.

  5. ura tool says:

    I couldn’t disagree more. Its people like you that make the world suck.

  6. ThomasP says:

    A+ trolling for hits. But you get an F for your film journalism. Try harder next time.

  7. Miles Maker says:

    A few of the titles noted here are far more courageous than they are cool. They’re distinct visionary voices who dare to explore a unique artistic perspective–that’s so NOT cool in a highly-homogenized film industry and I especially appreciate the contributions of Cianfrance, Ritchie, Boyle, the Coens, Johnson and Duffy.

    If this is what smug thinks of the independent spirit I’m so very fortunate not to be smug.

    • lolwhat says:

      yeah, violence, drugs, quirky women-I’m not sure that visionary and distinct are the words you are looking for. Pretty sure you mean tired, trite, and boring as ever loving fuck.

    • Greg DeLiso says:

      I don’t like all of those directors but including Duffy on any list like that looks hilarious.

  8. Raji says:

    You basically equate old with not-cool. Casablanca is in the pantheon of cool. You might be in the bunch of hacks that can’t watch a black and white movie.
    Listing Trainspotting and No Country is very poor, especially when you state Signs is the best movie of all time. Please tell me you are not serious about that. Really. Please tell me.

    I think you should make another list, Movies that Assholes and Annoying Bitches like, and start to transfer contents of this list over, and Boondock Saints would be #1

  9. lolwhat says:

    oh yeah, and you forgot the real number one, drive.

  10. Jacob says:

    I agree with several of these, including The Dark Knight, but seriously… Signs is your barometer of quality?? The movie is completely built on the single greatest plothole in entertainment history. Really. Number one.

    Look. If you were going to attempt to invade and colonize a planet, would you choose one that’s 88% covered in corrosive poison? It’s idiotic screenwriting. You might as well try to land on the sun.

    • Greg DeLiso says:

      As one of the three people on earth who genuinely think Signs is the best movie ever made I hear this a lot. I could easily pick out some thing like this for almost any sci fi movie ever made. But to address Sign specifically, I mean, it could be pretty much anything. There are a myriad of reasons why it could make sense. Here’s one off the top of my head… The aliens are in a losing battle with another group of aliens and Earth was a high risk, yet necessary, attempt at saving themselves.

      The point is that it doesn’t matter because the movie isn’t about the plausibility of an alien attack. It’s a small story about a father and his family. The aliens are just the catalyst.

  11. Brad says:

    As someone who unabashedly loves Amelie you’re going to need to convince me. You call it annoying but you don’t say why. I for one find it to be incredibly charming and uplifting with a good sense of whimsical humor. It’s a bit schmaltzy for sure, but I don’t really view it as a negative.

    So what about the film itself do you find annoying?

    • Greg DeLiso says:

      Probably all the things that you like about it. And I absolutely don’t mean that to be insulting, I literally mean we probably have polarized taste in art.

  12. Pingback: 10 Actually Good Movies People Think Are Cool | Smug Film

  13. Pingback: The 10 Nicest Movies Ever Made (If These Movies Don’t Make You Cry, You Have a Black Heart) | Smug Film

  14. Asteroid Death says:

    WTF.

    ‘Because I have arbitrary honor, I’m going to risk my life just to bring a guy water that I don’t even know, for no reason’.

    Which is why Llewelyn (the principal) gets killed off 2/3 of the way through the movie, and why Tommy Lee’s character Tom (so dreadfully boring and directionless) arbitrarily(?) decides to quit law enforcement. Miss that?

    Where does ‘honor’ leave you? Lyin dead in a cheap motel full of bullets from a MAC11.

    “A cat-and-mouse chase only works if you have one clear villain.”

    What?! This is a laugh. Quit makin shit up.

    You should replace NCFOM with There Will Be Blood for it’s painterly cinematography, raucous performances, and complete and utter lack of substance – or any PT Anderson movie for that matter.

  15. Dave says:

    I agree with you on most of these (had to shut off Brick after 30 minutes), but you lost the plot on Donnie Darko, which is actually a pretty heavy scientific thought experiment (based on complex physics theories at the time) by its scriptwriter (who completely moved on afterword). There’s a great synopsis on the web I read years ago of WTF is happening that will probably make you want to rewatch it along with its deleted scenes and look up the mysterious book recommended by the psychologist.

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