{"id":1791,"date":"2013-05-08T00:00:17","date_gmt":"2013-05-08T04:00:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/smugfilm.com\/?p=1791"},"modified":"2013-05-08T15:58:37","modified_gmt":"2013-05-08T19:58:37","slug":"10-awful-movies-people-think-are-cool","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/10-awful-movies-people-think-are-cool\/","title":{"rendered":"10 Awful Movies People Think Are Cool"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"troy\"<\/p>\n

Troy Duffy, director of a ‘cool’, albeit awful, movie.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2018Coolness\u2019 is hard to define, as it should be. \u00a0I suspect it’s difficult because coolness is an X factor. \u00a0It’s the swagger generated by the totality of a bunch of compartmentalized variants or something. \u00a0It’s also because coolness is not a science, it’s a feeling.\u00a0 However, like most things, although it can\u2019t be defined, it can be explained. \u00a0And, contrary to popular belief, explaining it is fun.\u00a0 It doesn’t \u2018kill it\u2019 as so many pseudo-smart, sanctimonious anti-thought peddlers would have you believe.
\n
\nCoolness in art comes from the same place it does in people. Confidence, fluidity, and angular punctuation shape coolness. It’s why Bob Dylan is cool and Neil Diamond isn’t. You can just tell. \u00a0That’s the feeling. \u00a0But the explanation is in their art.\u00a0 Bob Dylan\u2019s music, sonically, is constructed in a way that doesn’t seem to care that much about whether people will accept it (his most popular song is a six minute regurgitation of the same riff over and over, lead by pointed yet abstract lyrics\u2014its accessibility is in its zesty originality, its coolness).\u00a0 That’s confidence.\u00a0 Neil Diamond clearly tries too hard, and it shows in his broad, watered down, bombastic, wannabe deep, shallow pop.<\/p>\n

Movies work exactly the same way.\u00a0 There are many movies that are cool and many many more that strive to be. Casablanca<\/a> is a classic, but it’s not cool<\/i>.\u00a0 Neither is Lawrence of Arabia<\/a>, The Bridge Over the River Kwai<\/a>, or The African Queen<\/a> for that matter.\u00a0 On the other hand, Blade Runner<\/a> is a classic simply because<\/i> it’s cool.\u00a0 I mean, just compare the names\u2014The African Queen certainly sounds boring, whereas Blade Runner obviously sounds like a thing that would excite a group of eighth graders.<\/p>\n

What I’ve done here is put together a list of the top ten movies that are popular solely based on their respective cool factor. \u00a0As is the case with Blade Runner, some of these titles are even considered classics just because of how \u2018cool\u2019 they are. Each movie listed was ranked based on the ratio between its coolness and its suckiness. \u00a0(Although they all suck terribly.) \u00a0It took me a while, but I have indeed actually ranked them, not just thrown them together in random order.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"darknight\"<\/p>\n

10. The Dark Knight<\/a>\u00a0(2008) | Dir. Christopher Nolan<\/b><\/p>\n

The Dark Knight really should be number one, but since I already covered it in depth in my A Delicious Batman Smoothie<\/a> essay, I wanted to just move on to other titles.\u00a0 For all practical purposes though, you could really switch number 10 with number 1 for a more accurate ranking.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"bluevalentine\"<\/p>\n

9. Blue Valentine<\/a> (2010) | Dir. Derek Cianfrance<\/b><\/p>\n

Blue Valentine follows a litany of mindless, sexually explicit \u2018experiential films\u2019 like 9 Songs<\/a>, and I’m assuming Last Tango in Paris<\/a>, though I’ve never seen it.\u00a0 It’s one of those movies that’s heralded for having \u2018daring\u2019 performances.\u00a0 But really, who gives a fuck if Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams lived together to prep for their roles as part of some method acting jack-off fantasy.\u00a0 They’re both good actors, but watching them argue, be moody, and fuck, is boring as shit. Truly great and difficult performances are found in real<\/i> movies with real<\/i> characters that have to do things real<\/i> humans do, rather than just emote off each other over the course of some meaningless \u2018erotic\u2019 journey.<\/p>\n

It is kinda worth it to see Michelle Williams\u2019 butt though\u2014and I guess, for girls, to see Gosling all naked and shit.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"snatch\"<\/p>\n

8. <\/b>Snatch<\/a> (2000) | Dir. Guy Ritchie<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oy, bullocks, poppet, I’ve got de iron, de rinnggaa, meh meh meh.\u00a0 With a simple freeze frame and title card, this movie informed an entire decade of style-over-content.\u00a0 So, thanks for that.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"train2\"<\/p>\n

7. Trainspotting<\/a> (1996) | Dir. Danny Boyle<\/b><\/p>\n

People seem to think drugs are cool.\u00a0 That’s why they keep making drug movies and why they keep making them in a very kinetic and \u2018gritty\u2019 way.\u00a0 But it’s all flash and style.\u00a0 If Goodfellas<\/a> wasn’t so goddamn cool you wouldn’t have Blow<\/a>, an uncool (but touted as cool) movie.\u00a0 Blow isn’t cool because it’s not that cool.\u00a0 Goodfellas is cool because it’s an amazing movie.\u00a0 The coolness of its execution\u2014found in the jagged camera movements and angular editing, punctuated by a super cool sound track\u2014is organic to the story. And what could be cooler than that?<\/p>\n

Trainspotting is just a stylistic, meandering mess that people like because of god knows why.\u00a0 Maybe it’s the Britishness.\u00a0 People like that shit.\u00a0 Or the heroin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"countryfor\"<\/p>\n

6. No Country For Old Men<\/a> (2007) | Dir. Joel & Ethan Coen<\/b><\/p>\n

Movie for movie, the Coen Brothers are basically the best filmmakers of all time.\u00a0 But somewhere around the turn of the century, they fell off pretty hard.\u00a0 It started with Intolerable Cruelty<\/a>, followed through with The Ladykillers<\/a>, and culminated with A Serious Man<\/a>.\u00a0 Nobody really cared about any of those, but the one you’ve all gotten behind is No Country\u2014perhaps the most vapid movie of all time.<\/p>\n

The inciting incident is a character making an absolutely retarded and illogical decision.\u00a0 \u2018Because I have arbitrary honor, I’m going to risk my life just to bring a guy water that I don’t even know, for no reason\u2019.\u00a0 What results is a cat-and-mouse thriller that actually has some very effective parts in the middle, which is to be expected from the guys who made Blood Simple<\/a>.\u00a0 But ultimately, a cat-and-mouse chase only works if you have one clear villain.\u00a0 Woody Harrelson’s character is needlessly shoehorned in, then eliminated, making his portion of the story completely unnecessary.<\/p>\n

The movie\u2019s unraveling ultimately lies mostly on the dreadfully boring and directionless Tommy Lee Jones character.\u00a0 Any energy the movie had is sucked away into the black hole of this god awful character.<\/p>\n

Raising Arizona<\/a> is literally the best movie ever made.\u00a0 And The Big Lebowski<\/a> and Fargo<\/a> aren’t much worse.\u00a0 So what the fuck happened?<\/p>\n

I will say though that the movie\u2019s existence is worth it for the submitted picture of Roderick Jaynes<\/a>\u00a0at the Oscars when his Best Editor nomination came up.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"inception\"<\/p>\n

5. Inception<\/a> (2010) | Dir. Christopher Nolan<\/b><\/p>\n

See the South Park episode Insheeption<\/a>. Season 14, Episode 10.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"brick\"<\/p>\n

4. Brick<\/a> (2005) | Dir. Rian Johnson<\/b><\/p>\n

If not for Looper<\/a>, Rian Johnson would be high in the running for worst director all time.\u00a0 It’s not just that Brick is a dumb idea, it’s that it’s a dumb idea executed pretentiously.\u00a0 Most \u2018deliberate\u2019 movies are pretentious because their deliberateness is bankrupt.\u00a0 Signs<\/a>, the best movie ever made, is deliberate, but it’s deliberate in a way that builds information and serves the story.\u00a0 It’s deliberateness is organic, and makes sense, which is genius.\u00a0 Movies like Brick, which have far less to say, are deliberate solely for style.\u00a0 They simply insist we look at all the pretty shots, and think we’ll get entranced by the world or some crap.\u00a0 Well, some people do\u2014I guess it’s like movie drugs or something.\u00a0 If you’re this type of person, watch Wendy and Lucy<\/a>.\u00a0 It’s the best (by which I mean worst) deliberate movie of all time.<\/p>\n

Brick is about wanting it to be cool that a bunch of teens talk like a movie from the 40\u2019s.\u00a0 Looper is about that too\u2014but since they’re adults, and it’s in the future, it’s actually fun to watch.<\/p>\n

For further good, deliberate viewing (good meaning\u00a0actually<\/i> good this time) go watch all of Errol Morris’s documentaries.\u00a0 They’re some of the best ever made.\u00a0 Namely, The Thin Blue Line<\/a>, The Fog of War<\/a>, Mr. Death<\/a>, the show First Person<\/a>,\u00a0 and Gates of Heaven<\/a>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"dondark\"<\/p>\n

3. Donnie Darko<\/a> (2001) | Dir. Richard Kelly<\/b><\/p>\n

I guess I like that Noah Wyle and Seth Rogen are in it.\u00a0 Seth Rogen is in it for about the exact right amount of time that Seth Rogen should be in any movie.\u00a0 As a Freaks and Geeks<\/a> and Undeclared<\/a> alumni, I fucking love the guy with all my heart, but enough is enough.<\/p>\n

Donnie Darko might even get a pass if Richard Kelly’s movies got better.\u00a0 It would then at least have been an interesting beginning. Instead, Southland Tales<\/a> and The Box<\/a> serve only to expose the utter ineptitude of it.\u00a0 It’s a movie that’s constantly reaching<\/i>\u2014for instance, those bubble goop time trail things\u2014but never finding anything, and is instead a stylistic exercise in style for the sake of style.\u00a0 Not just visually, but in content as well.\u00a0 Its coolness status makes sense because eighth graders think style is smart.\u00a0 (Are you noticing a pattern here?)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"boon\"<\/p>\n

2. The Boondock Saints<\/a> (1999) | Dir. Troy Duffy<\/b><\/p>\n

The Boondock Saints is unequivocally the worst directed movie of all time.\u00a0 Often times, the shots don’t even make sense, and the camera movements are literally sloppy.\u00a0 It’s a movie made by a dickhead, and it shows.\u00a0 A movie made by a guy who thinks he’s tough, but isn’t.\u00a0 And oh boy does that <\/i>show.\u00a0 If you’re looking for proof, there’s a documentary chronicling the whole thing\u2014it’s called Overnight<\/a>, and it’s really good.<\/p>\n

This movie is so popular that it spawned a sequel, some 10 years later, despite the horrible reputation of the director.\u00a0 I’d love to watch the sequel as a joke, but the first one was such a dreadful experience that I just can\u2019t bring myself to.\u00a0 It was one of those ‘gritty indies’ in the wake of Pulp Fiction<\/a> that was all street and sanctimonious.\u00a0 It was a big promise and a lot to live up to and like its’ contemporaries, I’m thinking Go<\/a> and blah blah blah but while those movies just suck Boondock Saints is joke bad.\u00a0 The characters are cartoonishly silly, the drama is melo and overwrought and the general point of view reeks of wannabe toughness.<\/p>\n

The fact that anyone thinks it’s cool is beyond me, so I almost can’t explain it.\u00a0 I guess eighth graders just really like guns.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"amel\"<\/p>\n

1. Amelie<\/a> (2001) | Dir. Jean-Pierre Jeunet<\/b><\/p>\n

Perhaps I’m soured because I once asked a girl I loved what her favorite movie was, and she said Amelie.\u00a0 Or maybe it’s because every fucking girl in high school liked Amelie.\u00a0 But really, Amelie is so fucking annoying it’s hard to even talk about.\u00a0 It’s hard to even look at.\u00a0 In fact, besides a super hot annoying girl, I couldn’t even tell you what it’s about.\u00a0 Something about France or something?<\/p>\n

If you’re questioning whether or not Amelie is considered cool, you’re raising a fair point\u2014if you’re a male, that is.\u00a0 But just go ask a girl, preferably a brunette, between the ages of 13 and 65.\u00a0 They adore it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\"troy\"<\/p>\n

Troy Duffy, director of a ‘cool’, albeit awful, movie.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2018Coolness\u2019 is hard to define, as it should be. \u00a0I suspect it’s difficult because coolness is an X factor. \u00a0It’s the swagger generated by the totality of a bunch of compartmentalized variants or something. \u00a0It’s also because coolness is not a science, it’s a feeling.\u00a0 However, like most things, although it can\u2019t be defined, it can be explained. \u00a0And, contrary to popular belief, explaining it is fun.\u00a0 It doesn’t \u2018kill it\u2019 as so many pseudo-smart, sanctimonious anti-thought peddlers would have you believe.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25,1270],"tags":[1492,1493,1511,1506,1524,1502,1547,1494,398,1503,1525,1518,1508,1203,1542,1532,1500,750,1505,1495,1517,1504,1507,1509,1396,1520,1526,1535,1490,561,1536,1546,65,37,1515,1530,1531,1523,1548,1521,1519,1510,1498,454,1512,1534,1497,719,1540,1544,1545,327,1533,1401,1528,1513,1539,332,104,185,1514,1537,1501,1527,1543,1538,1499,268,1491,1522,940,939,1516,1496,1541,47,1529],"class_list":["post-1791","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-allposts","category-gregslists","tag-10-awful-movies","tag-10-cool-movies","tag-9-songs","tag-a-delicious-batman-smoothie","tag-a-serious-man","tag-african-queen","tag-amelie","tag-awful-movies","tag-big-lebowski","tag-blade-runner","tag-blood-simple","tag-blow","tag-blue-valentine","tag-bob-dylan","tag-boondock-saints","tag-brick","tag-bridge-over-the-river-kwai","tag-casablanca","tag-christopher-nolan","tag-cool-movies","tag-danny-boyle","tag-dark-knight","tag-delicious-batman-smoothie","tag-derek-cianfrance","tag-donnie-darko","tag-ethan-coen","tag-fargo","tag-first-person","tag-fog-of-war","tag-freaks-and-geeks","tag-gates-of-heaven","tag-go","tag-goodfellas","tag-greg-deliso","tag-guy-ritchie","tag-inception","tag-insheeption","tag-intolerable-cruelty","tag-jean-pierre-jeunet","tag-joel-and-ethan-coen","tag-joel-coen","tag-last-tango-in-paris","tag-lawrence-of-arabia","tag-looper","tag-michelle-williams","tag-mr-death","tag-neil-diamond","tag-no-country-for-old-men","tag-noah-wyle","tag-overnight","tag-overnight-troy-duffy","tag-pulp-fiction","tag-rian-johnson","tag-richard-kelly","tag-roderick-jaynes","tag-ryan-gosling","tag-seth-rogen","tag-signs","tag-smug-film-2","tag-smugfilm","tag-snatch","tag-southland-tales","tag-the-african-queen","tag-the-big-lebowski","tag-the-boondock-saints","tag-the-box","tag-the-bridge-over-the-river-kwai","tag-the-dark-knight","tag-the-fog-of-war","tag-the-ladykillers","tag-the-thin-blue-line","tag-thin-blue-line","tag-trainspotting","tag-troy-duffy","tag-undeclared","tag-wendy-and-lucy","tag-woody-harrelson"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1791","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1791"}],"version-history":[{"count":38,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1791\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2094,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1791\/revisions\/2094"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1791"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1791"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1791"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}