{"id":2541,"date":"2013-06-26T00:00:02","date_gmt":"2013-06-26T04:00:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/smugfilm.com\/?p=2541"},"modified":"2013-06-26T03:44:14","modified_gmt":"2013-06-26T07:44:14","slug":"10-movies-nobody-has-seen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/10-movies-nobody-has-seen\/","title":{"rendered":"10 Movies Nobody Has Seen (Because Nobody Cares About Them)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"under\"
\n

\nSometime in the year 2000, I went to the movies, and I don’t even remember what I ended up seeing because one of the previews left such a profound mark on me that what followed has been erased from my memory.\u00a0 The preview was for Under the Tuscan Sun<\/a>, and when it came on all I could think was, ”who the fuck would ever want to see this movie?”.\u00a0 That moment crystalized my understanding of the irrelevant.<\/p>\n

The movies on this list are not famously bad like Plan 9 From Outer Space<\/a>.\u00a0 And they’re not notorious flops like Ishtar<\/a> and Bonfire of the Vanities<\/a>.\u00a0 In fact, there’s nothing remotely memorable about them.\u00a0 They just sort of exist, but it’s hard to believe they do, because nobody talks about them.\u00a0 In a way, they’re much worse than awesomely bad triumphs like The Room<\/a> and Troll 2<\/a>, because those movies at least found an audience.\u00a0 These movies are so wholly uninteresting in every way that they aren’t even worth making fun of.<\/p>\n

If you’ve seen any of the following movies, please let me know.\u00a0 You’ll be the first person ever to have seen them, and will be given an award as their respective patient zero.
\n
\n\"WTC\"<\/p>\n

10. World Trade Center<\/a> (2006) | Dir. Oliver Stone | 129 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

Isn’t it weird that Oliver Stone made a movie about 9\/11 starring Nicholas Cage as a cop or firefighter? (Nobody knows which it is, because nobody has ever seen this movie.)<\/p>\n

Oliver Stone is weird, man.\u00a0 He also made Alexander<\/a>, which could’ve been on this list too.\u00a0 He also made W.<\/a>, which features a shot where somebody steps on a corncob for literally no reason (it’s emphasized in close up, also for no reason) and where the president of the United States is shown screaming melodramatically in the oval office.<\/p>\n

He also made Wall Street<\/a>, one of the best movies ever made.\u00a0 And he began his career as an interesting dude.\u00a0 It’s somewhere around Natural Born Killers<\/a> where he went insane.<\/p>\n

In the case of World Trade Center, maybe it was one of those \u2018too soon\u2019 things?\u00a0 Although that usually applies to comedy.\u00a0 It certainly seems like the kind of movie that somebody would<\/i> make.\u00a0 Not necessarily him, but what do I know.\u00a0 What I do know is that some people have seen Any Given Sunday<\/a> (I bet they wish they hadn’t) but nobody on earth has seen World Trade Center.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"barb\"<\/p>\n

9. Barb Wire<\/a> (1996) | Dir. David Hogan | 98 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

Remember when Pamela Anderson(-Lee) was famous enough to warrant a starring vehicle?\u00a0 She was kind of the second incarnation of that famed Farrah Fawcett poster, and in the mid-nineties she was the world\u2019s \u2018it girl\u2019.\u00a0 A vehicle really did make sense at the time.\u00a0 What didn’t make sense was the one they chose.\u00a0 Why not some surfer romantic comedy or something?\u00a0 A weird, futuristic, comic book thing shot almost entirely with graduated ND filters just didn’t make sense whatsoever.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"bigyear\"<\/p>\n

8. The Big Year<\/a> (2011) | Dir. David Frankel | 100 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

This is probably the weirdest movie I’ve ever seen.\u00a0 It’s a \u2018comedy\u2019 I guess, in the vein of Rat Race<\/a> and It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World<\/a>, I guess.\u00a0 It’s a movie about bird watching.\u00a0 But it’s not a documentary.\u00a0 It stars Jack Black, Owen Wilson, and Steve Martin, and is populated with a pretty impressive cast of character actors.<\/p>\n

This is one of those movies that I can only assume must have worked better \u2018on the page\u2019 (as they say in \u2018the biz’).\u00a0 It’s a phrase meaning that back when you read the script, it seemed great, but somewhere along the way after that it got all discombobulated.\u00a0 This could have been as a result of any number of things. Too many studio notes and cooks in the kitchen.\u00a0 Too many drafts of the script.\u00a0 Poor direction (that is, giving it to a guy whose vision of the project didn’t make sense).\u00a0 Or vice versa, a great director\u2019s vision could’ve been tainted by studio notes or the simple rigors of the process.\u00a0 Moviemaking is a gargantuan, bizarre process that employs hundreds of people for millions upon millions of dollars over long periods of time.\u00a0 Most of them are cogs in the machine and every day is a constant battle to keep your job, secure the next one, and try to please millions of people out in the ether all at once.\u00a0 It makes sense that so many movies suck.<\/p>\n

That said, it will never make sense that anybody thought this was a good idea at any point.\u00a0 I think they’re all lucky that nobody saw it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"ladder\"<\/p>\n

7. Ladder 49<\/a> (2004) | Dir. Jay Russell | 115 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

This movie existing is a pretty good joke.\u00a0 I think it was on trend, what with firemen being heroes and all.\u00a0 But there was something so laughable about the trailer<\/a>.\u00a0 It almost dared you to see it, but knew you wouldn’t.\u00a0 Some movies just exist with a cloak of unseeability around them.\u00a0 This is one of them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"african\"<\/p>\n

6.\u00a0 The African Queen<\/a> (1951) | Dir. John Huston | 105 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

Ok look, I’m fully aware that this is a huge classic, but come on, get real.\u00a0 Has anyone actually seen this movie?\u00a0 When is the last time you ever heard anyone mention this thing?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"failure\"<\/p>\n

5. Failure to Launch<\/a> (2006) | Dir. Tom Dey | 97 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

This is my favorite one on the list and I watch it every time it’s on TV and I’m sure I’m the only one who does.\u00a0 I love it because it’s the absolute epitome of homogenization. It’s like you can see the assembly line it was written, directed and edited on. And \u00a0you can see the studio executives saying, ‘let’s give Sarah Jessica Parker a vehicle, people like Sex and the City<\/a>, right? And let’s put her with Matthew McConaughey, he’s hot right?\u00a0 For the parents we’ll get Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw!!!\u00a0 Ya know, for the men!”<\/p>\n

It features Bradley Cooper and Zooey Deschanel, both before they were stars.\u00a0 And I think a cameo by Rob Corddry, if I can remember correctly.\u00a0 Not surprised that I can’t.<\/p>\n

The premise is kind of neat, I guess.\u00a0 But it’s whittled down to plastic, sitcom nothingness by someone that thought a dolphin arbitrarily biting the main character in the leg in the middle of a ‘buddies debriefing about chicks while shirtless on surfboards scene’ made sense as a comedy beat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"reservations\"<\/p>\n

4. No Reservations<\/a> (2007) | Dir. Scott Hicks | 104 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

This is an Aaron Eckhart\/Catherine Zeta Jones vehicle that couldn’t be more boring if it tried.\u00a0 I haven’t seen it so technically there’s a chance it could be amazing.\u00a0 But the poster makes me sleepy.\u00a0 It’s another one of those movies that begs not to be seen.\u00a0 The DVD art basically has a cloaking device on it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"patient\"<\/p>\n

3. The English Patient<\/a> (1996) | Dir. Anthony Minghella | 162 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

There has never in movie history been a faster fall off from popularity to obscurity.\u00a0 Beating Fargo<\/a> for the Oscar is the only thing this junk will ever be known for.\u00a0 Certainly nobody has ever seen it.\u00a0 Its fifteen minutes of fame culminated as the butt of some hilarious jokes on Seinfeld<\/a> in an episode where Elaine is turned into a pariah for hating it.\u00a0 She has a great line while watching it in the theater where she screams, “stop telling your stupid story about the desert and just die already!” Seinfeld, as always, was way ahead of its time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"africa\"<\/p>\n

2. Out of Africa<\/a> (1985) | Dir. Sydney Pollack | 161 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

I can’t even imagine what this movie could be about.\u00a0 I’m sure it’s set in the midst of some true political what-have-you.\u00a0 And it’s got Meryl Streep I think, she’s always great, so yeah, there’s that.\u00a0 But I don’t know anyone who has seen this thing or knows anything about it.<\/p>\n

I considered putting Ordinary People<\/a> in this spot.\u00a0 A movie that people forever will be mad at because it beat Raging Bull<\/a> for best picture.\u00a0 The stupidity of that is staggering for so many reasons\u2014one of them being that it\u2019s actually a better movie. But hey, what do I know, I think Empire Strikes Back<\/a> should’ve won that year.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"under2\"<\/p>\n

1. Under the Tuscan Sun<\/a> (2003) | Dir. Audrey Wells | 113 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

I guess I telegraphed this one but it truly is the most not-cared-about movie of all time.\u00a0 It’s the ground zero of irrelevance.<\/p>\n

Everything I’ve said above about each individual movie applies to this one.\u00a0 The poster reeks of boring nothingness that almost demands you look elsewhere.\u00a0 And the thought of watching it, or even anyone else watching it, is basically a joke.<\/p>\n

There is, however, a segment of the population that cares about this thing.\u00a0 They wear fanny packs and like Neil Diamond.\u00a0 You guessed it\u2014aunts.\u00a0 Peoples aunts care about Under the Tuscan Sun.<\/p>\n

I don’t have any aunts, just five uncles, so it was never in my family.\u00a0 Somebody please ask their aunt what they see in it and report back.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\"under\"
\n

\nSometime in the year 2000, I went to the movies, and I don’t even remember what I ended up seeing because one of the previews left such a profound mark on me that what followed has been erased from my memory.\u00a0 The preview was for Under the Tuscan Sun<\/a>, and when it came on all I could think was, ”who the fuck would ever want to see this movie?”.\u00a0 That moment crystalized my understanding of the irrelevant.<\/p>\n

The movies on this list are not famously bad like Plan 9 From Outer Space<\/a>.\u00a0 And they’re not notorious flops like Ishtar<\/a> and Bonfire of the Vanities<\/a>.\u00a0 In fact, there’s nothing remotely memorable about them.\u00a0 They just sort of exist, but it’s hard to believe they do, because nobody talks about them.\u00a0 In a way, they’re much worse than awesomely bad triumphs like The Room<\/a> and Troll 2<\/a>, because those movies at least found an audience.\u00a0 These movies are so wholly uninteresting in every way that they aren’t even worth making fun of.<\/p>\n

If you’ve seen any of the following movies, please let me know.\u00a0 You’ll be the first person ever to have seen them, and will be given an award as their respective patient zero.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25,1270],"tags":[1982,2016,1988,2019,1992,2023,1993,1998,1048,2015,1999,1994,1879,2018,2006,1526,37,1738,2000,2003,2005,604,2010,2004,2012,2021,1981,1980,1991,1497,2013,1987,2022,2020,2002,1996,1995,461,567,2001,2009,2014,864,2008,104,185,1779,1924,2011,1501,1997,2017,462,2007,1983,463,1985,1989,1990,1986],"class_list":["post-2541","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-allposts","category-gregslists","tag-10-movies-nobody-has-seen","tag-aaron-eckhart","tag-alexander","tag-anthony-minghella","tag-any-given-sunday","tag-audrey-wells","tag-barb-wire","tag-big-year","tag-bonfire-of-the-vanities","tag-catherine-zeta-jones","tag-david-frankel","tag-david-hogan","tag-empire-strikes-back","tag-english-patient","tag-failure-to-launch","tag-fargo","tag-greg-deliso","tag-ishtar","tag-its-a-mad-mad-mad-mad-world","tag-jack-black","tag-jay-russell","tag-john-huston","tag-kathy-bates","tag-ladder-49","tag-matthew-mcconaughey","tag-meryl-streep","tag-movies-nobody-has-heard-of","tag-movies-nobody-has-seen","tag-natural-born-killers","tag-neil-diamond","tag-no-reservations","tag-oliver-stone","tag-ordinary-people","tag-out-of-africa","tag-owen-wilson","tag-pamela-anderson","tag-pamela-anderson-lee","tag-plan-9-from-outer-space","tag-raging-bull","tag-rat-race","tag-sarah-jessica-parker","tag-scott-hicks","tag-seinfeld","tag-sex-and-the-city","tag-smug-film-2","tag-smugfilm","tag-steve-martin","tag-sydney-pollack","tag-terry-bradshaw","tag-the-african-queen","tag-the-big-year","tag-the-english-patient","tag-the-room","tag-tom-dey","tag-top-10-movies-nobody-has-seen","tag-troll-2","tag-under-the-tuscan-sun","tag-w","tag-wall-street","tag-world-trader-center"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2541","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2541"}],"version-history":[{"count":21,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2541\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2568,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2541\/revisions\/2568"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2541"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2541"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2541"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}