{"id":3128,"date":"2013-08-30T00:00:20","date_gmt":"2013-08-30T04:00:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/smugfilm.com\/?p=3128"},"modified":"2013-08-30T15:53:53","modified_gmt":"2013-08-30T19:53:53","slug":"the-hollywood-shuffle-part-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/the-hollywood-shuffle-part-one\/","title":{"rendered":"The Hollywood Shuffle: Tales From a Showbiz Bigshot (Part One)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"sampic\"
\n

\nCompared to you, I\u2019m still a Showbiz big shot. Trust me on that. I\u2019ve made a lot of money, I\u2019ve got a shitload of impressive credits, and in a few small circles, I\u2019ve been afforded cult star status\u2014but I won\u2019t bore you with the resume. Look it up for yourself<\/a>, or just take my word for it. (You ain\u2019t gonna do either, and don\u2019t think I don\u2019t know that.)<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n

However, it\u2019s not much solace that most of my glitzier credits now wave to me from my rearview mirror despite the fact that some of my best work has been done within the last twelve months. (You know, I promised myself a long time ago that if I ever used the phrase, \u201cSome of my best work,\u201d I\u2019d hang myself in a closet and hope the press attributes it to kinky sex gone awry. Hey, it worked for David Carradine, right?)
\n
\nBy the way, Carradine was one of the kindest souls I\u2019d ever met. One time, he hand delivered me a Christmas present:
\n\u201cOpen it up, now,\u201d he ordered.
\nI asked him if I could wait till Christmas, \u2018cause it was probably gonna be the only present I got.
\n\u201cJust open it now, Mothafucka,\u201d he said.
\nIt was a rock, on which he had painted the following:
\nFor Sam\u2026 I hope you find the peace you so desperately need.
\n<\/i>To which I replied, \u201cYou\u2019re giving me a fuckin\u2019 rock?\u201d<\/p>\n

Two weeks later, he was hanging from a shower rod in the Philippines, or Thailand, or Guam\u2014one of those places where you can trade a cow for a child bride and two future draft choices. I\u2019ve still got the rock, as well as the lack of inner peace\u2014I\u2019m keeping the rock, and the jury is still out on the latter.<\/p>\n

I really have no interest in getting back into television\u2014and the feeling seems to be mutual. Last year, at the behest of the guy who works the Deli Counter at Vons, I signed on to be part of a class action lawsuit against Hollywood studios, networks, and agencies. You had to sort of prove that, because of age discrimination, you were no longer being employed in the fashion that you had grown accustomed. The Deli Guy thought it was a slam dunk for him.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s my ticket out of here,\u201d he\u2019d bark at me, while fucking up my order of thinly sliced swiss. It didn\u2019t seem to matter to him that, to get paid off, you might need a couple of credits to start with.
\n\u201cNo, no,\u201d he explained, \u201cit\u2019s based on how they fucked me out of my projected earnings!\u201d
\n\u201cProjected based on what?\u201d I asked him.
\n\u201cBased on talent,\u201d he responded\u2026 and then he handed me a package of Provolone.<\/p>\n

Needless to say, he didn\u2019t share my enthusiasm when I told him I\u2019d received a settlement check for $50,000 plus.
\n\u201c$50,000???\u201d he spat out. \u201cMy check was for $12… I GOT FUCKED AGAIN!\u201d he screamed.<\/p>\n

Now here\u2019s where your own thought process can sometimes not be your best friend (and in my case, more often than not). My logic told me that\u00a0receiving this check was an admission of guilt by the Hollywood powers that be\u2014that this check was not only an acknowledgement of wrongdoing, but a clean slate so to speak, a peace pipe, and an invitation to rekindle our syphilis-riddled romance. In actuality, that would be a no<\/i>. What the check actually meant was the equivalent of receiving the following letter:<\/p>\n

Dear Mr. Kass,<\/em><\/p>\n

Chances are, we were done with you before this\u2026 but you can rest assured that your ass will never see the inside of another studio or network office. You didn\u2019t help your own cause by asking a Show Runner tandem, \u201cDo you guys get paid evenly, or does the one that gets fucked in the ass get paid more?\u201d Or, the time at Fox when you told a development person that Rupert Murdoch\u2019s wife \u201cworked at a massage joint on Santa Monica Blvd.\u201d Or the time you asked a network exec, \u201cIs there anyone in your weekend Basketball game taller than 4 ft. 10?\u201d Or, need we remind you, of the time you went to a memorial service and then told the widow that you just saw her deceased husband \u201cblink.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

These are just a few of your mental snafus, the biggest one being you having agreed to join this class action suit. Good luck, Mr. Kass. Save your money.<\/em><\/p>\n

Regards,<\/em>
\n Hollywood<\/em><\/p>\n

Which brings me to today. Shh, don\u2019t tell anyone, but I had a meeting at a studio that shall remain nameless. Maybe they weren\u2019t aware of my lifetime banishment\u2014all I know is, A-Rod is still playing, and if you believe everything you read, this guy is a cross between Sammy the Bull & Nicky Barnes. (Just Google it\u2026 I don\u2019t have time to explain everything.)<\/p>\n

So here\u2019s how it went down. I\u2019ve got a neighbor who works in \u201cBusiness Affairs\u201d at one of the studios, and I saved his dog from getting hit by a car once, so he sorta owed me\u2014well, the truth is, I was the one driving, and his dog ran out into the street. I swerved to avoid it, jumped a curb, and \u201cslightly\u201d tapped an old lady who was dropping a letter into the corner mailbox. (Let\u2019s just say that she\u2019s now a beneficiary of my Age Discrimination Payoff.)<\/p>\n

So, I\u2019m off to my studio meeting, taking this seriously (covered up the tats and everything). Now, lemme semi-preface all this by saying, this meeting was regarding programming for kids. Shows for children. Impressionable, young, innocent children. This is the equivalent of letting Whitey Bulger out of jail and sending him to work as a grief counselor. Not the best match, but whatever.<\/p>\n

My marching orders were: park on the roof, go down to the 4th floor, and ask for a pass to the lobby. Huh?<\/i> First off, I ain\u2019t parking on the roof. I don\u2019t care if I never work again, don\u2019t have me park on the roof. The only bigger insult is, \u201cOh, we thought you had died.\u201d So fuck it\u2014no roof parking.<\/p>\n

I squeezed in on the street between two of those rolling cafeterias\u2014one was selling Mexican food, and the other was peddling chicken & waffles. (I\u2019m just painting a picture here, okay?) Then I head into the lobby, and here\u2019s the conversation verbatim:<\/p>\n

Me: I\u2019m here to see Blah Blah.
\nGuard: You need a pass from the 4th floor.
\nMe: I wasn\u2019t on the 4th floor.
\nGuard: How\u2019d you get in here?
\nMe: Through that door\u2026 the main entrance.
\nGuard: You didn\u2019t park on the roof?
\nMe: No.
\nGuard: Why not?
\nMe: How do you know I came by car?
\nGuard: How do I know you didn\u2019t?
\nMe: How do I know you\u2019re who your badge says you are?
\nGuard: I\u2019m not wearing a badge.
\nMe: Why not?<\/p>\n

And now he grabs the walkie talkie. And here comes the supervisor.<\/p>\n

Supervisor: What\u2019s the problem?
\nGuard: He didn\u2019t come from the 4th floor.
\nSupervisor: Sir, you have to come from the 4th floor.
\nMe: You want me to go up to the 4th floor and then come back down here?
\nSupervisor: Yes\u2026 after you get a pass.
\nMe: Will the guy on the 4th floor send me back to the roof?
\nSupervisor: Probably.
\nMe: I\u2019m not parked on the roof\u2026<\/p>\n

Okay, you see where this is going. After a major confab, they allowed me to go up to the 21st floor. Now mind you, my meeting was on the 18th floor. So I get to the 21st floor\u2014no one there. Just a locked door and a wall phone. I pick up the phone, and this is what goes down:<\/p>\n

Voice: Yes?
\nMe: I have a meeting on the 18th floor, but they sent me to the 21st floor.
\nVoice: Why?
\nMe: Because they\u2019re stupid.
\nVoice: Why did you agree?
\nMe: Because I\u2019m stupid too.
\nVoice: What\u2019s your name?
\nMe: Sam Kass.
\nVoice: Are you Obama\u2019s Chef?
\nMe: That\u2019s another Sam Kass.
\nVoice: Because we\u2019re expecting him today\u2026 are you sure you\u2019re not him?
\nMe: No, you\u2019re right\u2014I am him.
\nVoice: You are?
\nMe: Yes\u2026
\nVoice: Who are you here to see?
\nMe: I\u2019m here to see Blah Blah.
\nVoice: She\u2019s on the 18th floor.
\nMe: I know that.
\nVoice: Then why are you here?
\nMe: I don\u2019t know\u2026<\/p>\n

So I get down to the 18th floor, and the voice on the other end of that floor\u2019s phone asks me to take a seat. So I do. Thirty minutes later, someone comes out:<\/p>\n

Girl: Sam?
\nMe: Yes.
\nGirl: I have some good news and bad news.
\nMe: Okay.
\nGirl: Would you like to hear it?
\nMe: Sure, why not\u2026
\nGirl: I wasn\u2019t expecting that answer.
\nMe: What answer were you expecting?
\nGirl: I thought you\u2019d for sure say, \u201cNo.\u201d
\nMe: Fooled you, huh?
\nGirl: Yes, you did\u2026
\n(Silence.)
\nMe: So you\u2019re not going to tell me?
\nGirl: Oh\u2026 yeah. (Beat) Your 11 o\u2019clock meeting has been pushed.
\nMe: Pushed to when?
\nGirl: November.
\nMe: It\u2019s August.
\nGirl: I know.
\nMe: So what\u2019s the good news?
\nGirl: We had a cancellation, so you\u2019ve been moved up.
\nMe: Good\u2026 to when?
\nGirl: Right now\u2026 are you available?<\/p>\n

So, in I go. Corner office. Women comes in\u2014I don\u2019t wanna keep calling her Blah Blah, so let\u2019s just call her Jodie. Very friendly. Eyes are bulging out of her head. Seriously.<\/p>\n

Jodie: Thank you for coming in.
\nMe: Thank you for having me.
\nJodie: I\u2019m a big fan.
\nMe: Oh\u2026 thank you.
\nJodie: Tell me about your garden.
\nMe: My garden?
\nJodie: Yeah\u2014what are you growing this year?
\nMe: Weeds, mostly.<\/p>\n

Phone Rings. Jodie picks it up.<\/p>\n

Jodie: Yes? (Pause) Oh, I see. Okay. (She hangs up.)
\n(To me) You\u2019re not Sam Kass?
\nMe: I am Sam Kass.
\nJodie: But not the chef Sam Kass.
\nMe: I make a decent grilled cheese\u2026.
\nJodie: We are interested in doing a show with Sam Kass.
\nMe: And that\u2019s why I\u2019m here.
\nJodie: The other Sam Kass.
\nMe: But he cooks\u2026 I write.
\nJodie: It\u2019s television. Have you watched our stuff? Trust me, anyone can do it.<\/p>\n

A few days later, I was back at the deli counter, telling my story\u2014The Deli Dude was furious for a change\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cThey hired the Chef to write the show?\u201d
\n\u201cYeah, I think so,\u201d I replied.
\n\u201cWell, what\u2019s the show about?\u201d he inquired.
\n\u201cIt\u2019s about a guy who grows a magical garden. He feeds the homeless, he cures disease\u2026\u201d
\n\u201cWAIT A SECOND!!!\u201d The Deli Dude starts screaming.\u201cDoes he have a three legged Dog named Tripod?\u201d
\n\u201cYeah, I think he does,\u201d I responded curiously.
\n\u201cTHAT\u2019S MY FUCKIN\u2019 SHOW!!!\u201d he screeched. \u201cI\u2019ve been pitching it for years, all over town! What the hell should I do?\u201d
\n\u201cYou should go in there and tell them,\u201d I offered. \u201cAnd do it quickly.\u201d
\n\u201cI WILL! I WILL,\u201d he exclaimed. \u201cI\u2019m going in tomorrow.\u201d He simmered silently for a few seconds, thinking this whole thing through. \u201cI\u2019m gonna bring a lawyer, and all my treatments\u2026 they\u2019ve been notarized, registered, scanned, faxed, framed, mailed, cryogenically frozen, and alphabetized\u2026 I am ready for war,\u201d he huffed.
\n\u201cGood,\u201d I said. \u201cYou go in there, and get what\u2019s coming to you.\u201d
\n\u201cI will,\u201d he shouted, banging his fists on the counter. \u201cI\u2019m gonna do it for everyone who\u2019s ever gotten screwed by the system!\u201d He paused for a moment, and asked, \u201cIs that the place, they make you park on the roof?\u201d
\n\u201cIt is,\u201d I replied.
\n\u201cFuck it,\u201d he said, \u201cI\u2019m not going. No roof parking for me. That\u2019s the beginning of the end, buddy. You do know that, don\u2019t you? They may be able to steal my material, but they\u2019ll never take my dignity. You got that?\u201d
\n\u201cI got it,\u201d I smiled. \u201cLoud and clear.\u201d
\nAnd with that, he exhaled deeply, and went back to slicing cheese\u2026 badly, I might add, but with his dignity intact.<\/p>\n

Postscript: I have a follow-up meeting back at the same place. Gonna meet with Sam Kass about consulting on his show.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\"sampic\"
\n

\nCompared to you, I\u2019m still a Showbiz big shot. Trust me on that. I\u2019ve made a lot of money, I\u2019ve got a shitload of impressive credits, and in a few small circles, I\u2019ve been afforded cult star status\u2014but I won\u2019t bore you with the resume. Look it up for yourself<\/a>, or just take my word for it. (You ain\u2019t gonna do either, and don\u2019t think I don\u2019t know that.)<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n

However, it\u2019s not much solace that most of my glitzier credits now wave to me from my rearview mirror despite the fact that some of my best work has been done within the last twelve months. (You know, I promised myself a long time ago that if I ever used the phrase, \u201cSome of my best work,\u201d I\u2019d hang myself in a closet and hope the press attributes it to kinky sex gone awry. Hey, it worked for David Carradine, right?)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25,2561],"tags":[2618,2616,2066,2617,104,185],"class_list":["post-3128","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-allposts","category-sams-essays","tag-david-carradine","tag-hollywood-shuffle","tag-sam-henry-kass","tag-sam-kass","tag-smug-film-2","tag-smugfilm"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3128","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/14"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3128"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3128\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3198,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3128\/revisions\/3198"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3128"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3128"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3128"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}