{"id":618,"date":"2013-02-11T00:00:06","date_gmt":"2013-02-11T05:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/smugfilm.com\/?p=618"},"modified":"2015-07-09T02:32:49","modified_gmt":"2015-07-09T06:32:49","slug":"valentines-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/valentines-day\/","title":{"rendered":"Actually Good Romance Movies to Watch With Your Girl on Valentine\u2019s Day"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"cabin
\nJust kidding. Don’t watch Cabin Boy<\/a> with your girl on Valentine’s Day, dude. What the hell is wrong with you? Although, if she’s down, marry her.<\/em><\/p>\n

Disclaimer:<\/b><\/b> Ladies, this list is written for the fellas, but that doesn\u2019t mean you shouldn\u2019t still read it. Totally still read it, and basically just choose whatever movie on here seems most up your alley, and make your guy procure it.
\n
\nAlright Let’s Do This<\/strong><\/p>\n

Valentine\u2019s Day is right around the corner, and if you have a girl, usually that means you\u2019ll have to watch some bullshit piece-of-shit movie with her after dinner while waiting for your food to go down so you can fuck. Some witless, pandering, hackneyed thing that she\u2019s already seen a million times. And the only reason she wants to watch one of those is because at certain points, they make her feel warm and fuzzy. She overlooks all the poisonous, vapid aspects simply because it hits a few notes she wants hit. Well, there are plenty of actually good movies<\/i> that hit those same notes. It\u2019s not like the wretched fuckers who make \u2018chick flicks\u2019 have a copyright on said notes. Anyone can play them.<\/p>\n

However, you can\u2019t just pop in any of the movies I\u2019ve listed below all willy-nilly. These aren\u2019t \u2018catch-all\u2019 movies, like chick flicks are designed to be. What delights one girl about any one of these may repel another. So you\u2019ll have to read my descriptions for each and see if the girl I describe as one who might like it sounds similar to the girl you are currently faithful to.<\/p>\n

\"buffalo\"<\/p>\n

Buffalo \u201966<\/a> | Written & Directed by Vincent Gallo | 110 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

This is most likely suitable for a girl who considers herself a fan of \u2018dark, interesting indie films\u2019. The apostrophes are there because honestly, if she\u2019s truly<\/i> a fan of that sorta thing, she\u2019s definitely already seen this one. The only girls who haven\u2019t are the ones who only think<\/i> they like that kind of stuff, and actually haven\u2019t delved too far into it at all. If that sounds like your girl, Buffalo \u201966 is probably the best possible gateway movie for her, because it has a hard outer shell but a sweet, romantic center. It takes you unusual places you\u2019ve never been before, but gets you home in one piece and feeling happy. Plus, it has what would nowadays be considered an Instagram-y look to it, which your fake-dark girl will probably like, since she probably uses that fucking shit. Man, why are you dating her? Just break up and date a girl with better taste. Don\u2019t break up now though, obviously. I mean break up after Valentine\u2019s Day. Give it a few weeks, though. Can\u2019t do it immediately. Or maybe you can. I dunno, your call. But seriously, just break up with her and date a girl who already loves this film and already loves all sorts of other great films and doesn\u2019t use Instagram. Just kidding, don\u2019t do that. Girls who already have immaculate taste before they meet you are pretty rare, and are almost always crazy. Don\u2019t believe me? Search the names of top-tier indie or foreign movies, or their directors, on OkCupid, and see the kind of psycho chicks that come up. It\u2019s best to just stick with your non-crazy girl with lackluster film knowledge, and properly educate her over time. That\u2019s the Cody Clarke way.<\/p>\n

This will become her favorite movie for a little while, and you\u2019ll have been the guy who caused that. Which will make you seem pretty damn cool in her eyes. But not as cool as Vincent Gallo, who she will now totally have a crush on. It\u2019s a phase all indie-ish girls go through. Let her have her fun. It\u2019ll soon pass, and before you know it, she\u2019ll be back to wetting her side of the couch over Magic Mike.<\/p>\n

She\u2019ll also probably go on and on about how hot Christina Ricci is, and how she\u2019d “go lesbian for her”, and constantly ask you if you think Christina Ricci is hot. Just say yes. For some reason, girls love<\/i> it when you find a celebrity they find hot hot. It helps them forget for a brief moment that you are a man, and as such, given the opportunity, would fuck anyone from Diane Sawyer to Ke$ha.<\/p>\n

\"shadows\"<\/p>\n

Shadows in Paradise<\/a> | Written & Directed by Aki Kaurism<\/b>\u00e4<\/strong>ki | 76 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

This is for a girl with an acute, dry sense of humor. A girl who delights in the flatly delivered non-jokes in Wes Anderson movies (not knocking him, I swear\u2014I\u2019m a big fan of all his work except Moonrise Kingdom) and loves the original, British version of The Office and not the horrible, \u2018Noah\u2019s Arcade presents Wayne\u2019s World\u2019-esque American version. She likes reading, whether it be books or the New York Times or subtitles, and will love<\/em> the fact that she\u2019s watching a foreign film on Valentine\u2019s Day\u2014not to mention one from a country (Finland) that doesn\u2019t export too many films, to boot. It will make her feel worldly and aware, and you\u2019ll have caused this ego boost, which will make her think a little more highly of you as well. Which, quite frankly, you could use. Because if this girl is anything like I think she is, she\u2019s probably perpetually thinking about breaking up with you. In other words, she\u2019s a cunt. But obviously, the sex is so good that you don\u2019t care. Except, honestly dude, you only think<\/i> the sex is good. It\u2019s a goddamn ruse. She knows her pussy is average at best, so she\u2019s a bitch when not fucking you in order to make her pussy seem of a higher quality than it is. Dump her and go out with fake-dark chick instead, who for the record has a great<\/i> pussy, and sucks a mean<\/i> dick. But dump her only<\/i> after<\/i> you\u2019ve turned her onto this movie (and its filmmaker, Aki Kaurism\u00e4ki) because that way, after you\u2019ve split, she\u2019ll have regrets and think that maybe she was wrong about you, and that maybe you were smarter and more knowledgable than she gave you credit for, and this realization might possibly one day cause her to wake up and realize that the reason her life sucks is because she makes<\/i> it suck, and that if she wants a better life she should probably stop being so sucky all the goddamn time.<\/p>\n

\"dreamers\"<\/p>\n

The Dreamers<\/a> | Directed by Bernardo Bertolucci | 115 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

This is an extremely<\/i> hot movie. I guarantee you two will have great sex after watching this. That is, if it\u2019s up your girl\u2019s alley. If it isn\u2019t, she\u2019ll just find it bizarre and repulsive and make you turn it off. But, if you\u2019re dating a freak<\/em>, this is gonna light a goddamned fire in her pussy. You know better than I do if she\u2019s a freak or not, but basically, I\u2019d say a good rule of thumb is that if she truly<\/em> loves to sixty-nine, and y\u2019all do that shit very regularly, she\u2019ll very much dig this movie.<\/p>\n

Eva Green has one of those beautiful bodies that feels completely real and not at all \u2018Hollywood\u2019\u2014a body you might remember from an ex or something. And girls love seeing that shit in sexy movies. It\u2019s empowering. It makes them feel proud of what they have, and feel like their body is art. Her confidence boost will pay off well for you in the bedroom later, because she\u2019ll treat it like a performance\u2014like she\u2019s the star of her own NC-17 movie.<\/p>\n

Michael Pitt and Louis Garrel look like male models or whatever, and ordinarily that might make you feel disappointed about your own body (or make her<\/em> feel disappointed in your body) but they spend the whole damn movie walking around with small, limp dicks, so it doesn\u2019t matter. When you bust out your very hard and very real cock later, she\u2019ll forgive you for not being as thin or attractive as them. (Largely due to your cock being more impressive, but also because she\u2019ll be too damn horny by that point to care about your gut.)<\/p>\n

The only problem with this movie is that it\u2019s gonna make your girl want to fuck you on her period even more than she probably already does. There\u2019s a sex scene involving a little bit of blood, and it\u2019s a really hot scene. So if you\u2019re vehemently against the idea of a period sex, don\u2019t watch this movie with her, because she\u2019ll definitely hound you next time she\u2019s on the rag. However, the hotness of the scene might gateway you into being legitimately willing. Who knows. Just watch it dude. Be a man. #YOLO<\/p>\n

\"3<\/p>\n

3-Iron<\/a> | Written & Directed by Kim Ki-duk | 88 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

But maybe your girl needs some god damned gentle love sex. Everyone needs that from time to time. Maybe even you. Here\u2019s a beautiful romance that you and her can be genuinely affected by, and maybe even cry together over, before you have tender sexytimes. It\u2019s extremely unpredictable, and doesn\u2019t rely on any<\/i> tear-jerker romance cliches, and will truly remind you how much y\u2019all love each other\u2014that is, if you do\u00a0<\/em>love each other.\u00a0If this is just some \u2018for now\u2019 chick you\u2019re with, don\u2019t you dare<\/i> show her this movie, because if you do, she\u2019s gonna start thinking you have real feelings for her, dude. Don\u2019t you dare<\/em> do that to this poor girl. This is a powerful god damned movie. And with great power comes great responsibility. Save this movie for the girl you truly love. That is, if she\u2019s okay with subtitles, and okay with Asian people. Although who the fuck would legit fall in love with some racist chick who hates reading? If you\u2019re gonna fall in love with a racist, at least find one who can read<\/em>. Beggars can\u2019t be choosers though, I guess. Maybe that\u2019s all you can get. In that case, I’m sorry I ragged on you dude. If she brings magic to your life, who am I to judge? And who am I to throw stones? At the end of the day, we\u2019re all <\/i>a little racist and illiterate. So I actually think it\u2019s beautiful y\u2019all found each other. Respect.<\/p>\n

\"boyfriends<\/p>\n

My Boyfriend\u2019s Back<\/a> | Directed by Bob Balaban | 85 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

This is a really unusual and rarely heard-of movie. It kinda never found its proper home, because 90\u2018s campy horror hasn\u2019t yet received a resurgence quite like 80\u2018s campy horror did. But if your girl is one of those girls that loves cheesy 80\u2019s movies or whatever, she\u2019ll definitely like this. Just do me a favor and make sure she\u2019s legal. Seems suspect that an of-age chick would have a huge affinity for that sort of thing. You get to a certain age and then you\u2019re over it, you know? Just seems fishy. She’s probably a runaway, dude.<\/p>\n

Anyway, this is the perfect movie to watch with her on Valentine\u2019s Day. Especially since although so much about it is corny and fun to both laugh at and laugh with, it really does have a strong emotional core. During the climax, you may actually tear up a bit. I can think of no other movie of this sub-genre that has the effect. But seriously dude, I\u2019d watch it when it comes to crying around your little underage runaway live-in whore. If you do, she might start to get clingy. She might start to love<\/em> you. And the last thing you need to see as you’re about to bring your axe down upon her neck is a look of genuine heartache. You’ve got enough on your plate without having those soul-broken eyes tattooed in your mind, you know? Putting her into various body bags, weighing them down, dumping her into the east river. That kind of shit takes full concentration. So if you’re gonna cry during this movie, excuse yourself to the bathroom and do it with the faucet on. Like a man.<\/p>\n

I should also mention that this is directed by Bob Balaban. And who doesn\u2019t love Bob Balaban? Even if you don\u2019t know who I\u2019m talking about by name, trust me, you love him. He\u2019s in like every thing ever. All the Christopher Guest movies, and a whole bunch of other stuff too. Support him and his unfortunately underappreciated movie.<\/p>\n

\"never<\/p>\n

Never Again<\/a> | Written & Directed by Eric Schaeffer | 98 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

Does your girl love Arrested Development<\/a>? Does she talk about it incessantly, and makes references to it ad nauseum? Is that all she fucking ever wants to fucking watch, despite y\u2019all having re-watched it like a million times already? If so, here\u2019s your Valentine\u2019s Day movie. Jeffrey Tambor is the romantic lead, and he\u2019s wonderful. Funny and relatable and nuanced and everything you’d expect him to be. And he plays opposite the late great Jill Clayburgh, a tremendous actress that is so insanely charming here that you will want to have sex with a 50-year-old woman immediately.<\/p>\n

The supporting actors are all great too. Bill Duke (from Predator!) Peter Dinklage (from Game of Thrones!) and Michael McKean (from everything ever!) all make appearances. This is a hell of a romantic comedy that unfortunately slipped through the cracks, due to the fact that it is about grown folks falling in love and not \u2018hot\u2019 young people. I highly recommend it. However, I should warn you that the opening song is pretty annoying, and some of the other music in it is annoying as well. Ignore that shit, because other than that, it\u2019s really quite solid, and definitely relatable no matter your age.<\/p>\n

But dude, you gotta do something about your Arrested Development obsessed girl. Wean her onto The Larry Sanders Show<\/a> or something. It’s on Netflix Instant. You can start right now. You’re welcome.<\/p>\n

\"wanderlust\"<\/p>\n

Wanderlust<\/a> | Directed by David Wain | 98 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

This is good for a girl who can\u2019t stand any and all romantic stuff in movies. One of those chicks with some weird-ass wall up in her heart, preventing movies from ever causing her to really feel<\/em> some shit, other than laughter. This one is laughs-a-plenty, and although it\u2019s about a married couple, and is technically kind of a romantic story, there\u2019s really nothing particularly \u2018romantic\u2019 about them. They\u2019re just kinda together. Just like you\u2019re \u2018just kinda together\u2019 with this weird part-robot chick you\u2019re trying to ‘figure out’. Shit or get off the pot, man. But really, get off the pot<\/em>. She ain\u2019t gonna just wake up with a heart one day. And if she\u2019s this dismissive to romance in movies<\/em>, just think how dismissive this bitch is gonna be when you start having real conversations about how you feel about each other? Heartless chicks will rip out your heart<\/em>. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.<\/p>\n

This would also be good to watch with a girl who always demands to watch \u2018something recent\u2019. One of those girls who thinks movies have a damn expiration date like milk or whatever. When you suggest this movie to her, she’ll definitely not have seen it, because for some weird reason, absolutely no one has seen this hilarious movie. She\u2019ll be all “Oh! I wanted to see that! I love Paul Rudd! I love Jennifer Aniston!” and then you\u2019ll watch it, and you\u2019ll both enjoy it, and then afterwards you\u2019ll have what for you will be empty sex, because you know deep down you can never respect someone so fucking dismissive of anything that isn\u2019t current. I\u2019ll tell you what, dude\u2014rub one out to some vintage porn while she\u2019s sleeping. It’ll feel great because for one thing, you\u2019ll be having pleasure she\u2019s not in control of, and two,\u00a0because you know she\u2019d hate the fact that the porn was so old, and would totally make fun of their body hair and styles and not at all realize that the composition and lighting and vibe is fantastic. Vapid bitch.<\/p>\n

\"marriage<\/p>\n

Marriage, Italian Style<\/a> | Directed by Vittorio De Sica | 102 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

Speaking of old stuff that is good, this is one of the best god damn foreign comedies ever. If you have a girl who appreciates foreign stuff, and funny stuff, and older stuff, y\u2019all lovebirds owe it to yourselves to watch this movie together. Sophia Loren does not<\/i> get enough credit as an actress. She\u2019s so gorgeous that people just assume she\u2019s a bad actress, since they\u2019ve never seen her in anything and just have heard her name and seen her lovely face and cartoonish body or whatever. But she\u2019s seriously talented, and genuinely funny. By the way, if your girl loves the movie Moonstruck (all the good ones do) she\u2019ll definitely dig this one. Same kinda \u2018Italian families are crazy and lovely\u2019 vibe, but the storytelling is way better. It\u2019s really a true classic, and I can\u2019t say enough good things about it. By the way, marry this girl.<\/p>\n

\"wedding<\/p>\n

The Wedding Singer<\/a> | Directed by Frank Coraci | 95 min.<\/b><\/p>\n

This is a worst case scenario movie. <\/i>What I mean is, this is for if your girl absolutely insists<\/i> you and her watch something she\u2019s already seen a million times already. If that’s the ultimatum, go with this one, because it’s probably the most stomachable of all possible chick flicks to have to watch with her. Sure most of the jokes fall flat, but Sandler and Barrymore have great chemistry, and honestly, the third act is insanely well-constructed. I don\u2019t know who the fuck they flew in to tighten this fucker up, but damn<\/i>. If you wanna learn how to knock a third act out of the park, study this one.<\/p>\n

But dude, we need to talk about this girl you\u2019re dating. You really<\/em> couldn’t get her to watch something she hasn’t seen before? Alright, be honest now\u2014is she intelligent? She isn’t, is she. She scoffs at all the brilliant movies you like. What’s keeping you with her? I’m sure you’ve stood in her overly-girly apartment, staring at her DVD collection as she takes forever in the bathroom, thinking to yourself, “I made a mistake.” Well, fucking do something about it. Break it off. Find yourself a girl you can watch Marriage, Italian Style with. And if you can’t\u2014fuck it, go out with fake-dark chick for a while. It’s damn near a rite of passage.<\/p>\n

In Conclusion<\/b><\/p>\n

Bitches be complicated and picking movies out be complicated too. Aren\u2019t you glad Smug Film exists? All doing the homework for you or whatever? Yeah yeah, I love you too. By the way, if you have any other ideas of good Valentine\u2019s Day movies, leave them in the comments section.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\"cabin<\/p>\n

Just kidding. Don’t watch Cabin Boy<\/a> with your girl on Valentine’s Day, dude. What the hell is wrong with you? Although, if she’s down, marry her.<\/em><\/p>\n

Disclaimer:<\/b><\/b> Ladies, this list is written for the fellas, but that doesn\u2019t mean you shouldn\u2019t still read it. Totally still read it, and basically just choose whatever movie on here seems most up your alley, and make your guy procure it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25,1269],"tags":[135,241,240,129,138,256,133,134,32,139,255,257,130,145,250,251,252,254,253,140,245,141,246,247,143,144,136,242,104,185,244,243,258,132,131,259,137,142,248,249,146],"class_list":["post-618","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-allposts","category-codyslists","tag-3-iron","tag-3-iron-2004","tag-3-iron-movie","tag-actually-good-romance-movies","tag-aki-kaurismaki","tag-best-films-to-watch-on-valentines-day","tag-buffalo-66","tag-cabin-boy","tag-cody-clarke","tag-dreamers","tag-films-to-watch-on-valentines-day","tag-good-films-to-watch-on-valentines-day","tag-good-romance-movies","tag-marriage-italian-style","tag-marriage-italian-style-1964","tag-marriage-italian-style-movie","tag-movies-to-watch-on-valentines-day","tag-movies-to-watch-on-valentines-day-list","tag-movies-to-watch-on-valentines-day-with-your-boyfriend","tag-my-boyfriends-back","tag-my-boyfriends-back-movie","tag-never-again","tag-never-again-movie","tag-never-again-movie-review","tag-romance","tag-romantic","tag-shadows-in-paradise","tag-shadows-in-paradise-1986","tag-smug-film-2","tag-smugfilm","tag-the-dreamers-2003","tag-the-dreamers-movie","tag-top-films-to-watch-on-valentines-day","tag-valentines-day","tag-valentines-day-movies","tag-valentines-day-movies-list","tag-vincent-gallo","tag-wanderlust","tag-wanderlust-movie","tag-wanderlust-movie-review","tag-wedding-singer"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/618","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=618"}],"version-history":[{"count":55,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/618\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6324,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/618\/revisions\/6324"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=618"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=618"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smugfilm.com\/oldsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=618"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}