Just kidding. Don’t watch Cabin Boy with your girl on Valentine’s Day, dude. What the hell is wrong with you? Although, if she’s down, marry her.
Disclaimer: Ladies, this list is written for the fellas, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still read it. Totally still read it, and basically just choose whatever movie on here seems most up your alley, and make your guy procure it.
Alright Let’s Do This
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and if you have a girl, usually that means you’ll have to watch some bullshit piece-of-shit movie with her after dinner while waiting for your food to go down so you can fuck. Some witless, pandering, hackneyed thing that she’s already seen a million times. And the only reason she wants to watch one of those is because at certain points, they make her feel warm and fuzzy. She overlooks all the poisonous, vapid aspects simply because it hits a few notes she wants hit. Well, there are plenty of actually good movies that hit those same notes. It’s not like the wretched fuckers who make ‘chick flicks’ have a copyright on said notes. Anyone can play them.
However, you can’t just pop in any of the movies I’ve listed below all willy-nilly. These aren’t ‘catch-all’ movies, like chick flicks are designed to be. What delights one girl about any one of these may repel another. So you’ll have to read my descriptions for each and see if the girl I describe as one who might like it sounds similar to the girl you are currently faithful to.
Buffalo ’66 | Written & Directed by Vincent Gallo | 110 min.
This is most likely suitable for a girl who considers herself a fan of ‘dark, interesting indie films’. The apostrophes are there because honestly, if she’s truly a fan of that sorta thing, she’s definitely already seen this one. The only girls who haven’t are the ones who only think they like that kind of stuff, and actually haven’t delved too far into it at all. If that sounds like your girl, Buffalo ’66 is probably the best possible gateway movie for her, because it has a hard outer shell but a sweet, romantic center. It takes you unusual places you’ve never been before, but gets you home in one piece and feeling happy. Plus, it has what would nowadays be considered an Instagram-y look to it, which your fake-dark girl will probably like, since she probably uses that fucking shit. Man, why are you dating her? Just break up and date a girl with better taste. Don’t break up now though, obviously. I mean break up after Valentine’s Day. Give it a few weeks, though. Can’t do it immediately. Or maybe you can. I dunno, your call. But seriously, just break up with her and date a girl who already loves this film and already loves all sorts of other great films and doesn’t use Instagram. Just kidding, don’t do that. Girls who already have immaculate taste before they meet you are pretty rare, and are almost always crazy. Don’t believe me? Search the names of top-tier indie or foreign movies, or their directors, on OkCupid, and see the kind of psycho chicks that come up. It’s best to just stick with your non-crazy girl with lackluster film knowledge, and properly educate her over time. That’s the Cody Clarke way.
This will become her favorite movie for a little while, and you’ll have been the guy who caused that. Which will make you seem pretty damn cool in her eyes. But not as cool as Vincent Gallo, who she will now totally have a crush on. It’s a phase all indie-ish girls go through. Let her have her fun. It’ll soon pass, and before you know it, she’ll be back to wetting her side of the couch over Magic Mike.
She’ll also probably go on and on about how hot Christina Ricci is, and how she’d “go lesbian for her”, and constantly ask you if you think Christina Ricci is hot. Just say yes. For some reason, girls love it when you find a celebrity they find hot hot. It helps them forget for a brief moment that you are a man, and as such, given the opportunity, would fuck anyone from Diane Sawyer to Ke$ha.
Shadows in Paradise | Written & Directed by Aki Kaurismäki | 76 min.
This is for a girl with an acute, dry sense of humor. A girl who delights in the flatly delivered non-jokes in Wes Anderson movies (not knocking him, I swear—I’m a big fan of all his work except Moonrise Kingdom) and loves the original, British version of The Office and not the horrible, ‘Noah’s Arcade presents Wayne’s World’-esque American version. She likes reading, whether it be books or the New York Times or subtitles, and will love the fact that she’s watching a foreign film on Valentine’s Day—not to mention one from a country (Finland) that doesn’t export too many films, to boot. It will make her feel worldly and aware, and you’ll have caused this ego boost, which will make her think a little more highly of you as well. Which, quite frankly, you could use. Because if this girl is anything like I think she is, she’s probably perpetually thinking about breaking up with you. In other words, she’s a cunt. But obviously, the sex is so good that you don’t care. Except, honestly dude, you only think the sex is good. It’s a goddamn ruse. She knows her pussy is average at best, so she’s a bitch when not fucking you in order to make her pussy seem of a higher quality than it is. Dump her and go out with fake-dark chick instead, who for the record has a great pussy, and sucks a mean dick. But dump her only after you’ve turned her onto this movie (and its filmmaker, Aki Kaurismäki) because that way, after you’ve split, she’ll have regrets and think that maybe she was wrong about you, and that maybe you were smarter and more knowledgable than she gave you credit for, and this realization might possibly one day cause her to wake up and realize that the reason her life sucks is because she makes it suck, and that if she wants a better life she should probably stop being so sucky all the goddamn time.
The Dreamers | Directed by Bernardo Bertolucci | 115 min.
This is an extremely hot movie. I guarantee you two will have great sex after watching this. That is, if it’s up your girl’s alley. If it isn’t, she’ll just find it bizarre and repulsive and make you turn it off. But, if you’re dating a freak, this is gonna light a goddamned fire in her pussy. You know better than I do if she’s a freak or not, but basically, I’d say a good rule of thumb is that if she truly loves to sixty-nine, and y’all do that shit very regularly, she’ll very much dig this movie.
Eva Green has one of those beautiful bodies that feels completely real and not at all ‘Hollywood’—a body you might remember from an ex or something. And girls love seeing that shit in sexy movies. It’s empowering. It makes them feel proud of what they have, and feel like their body is art. Her confidence boost will pay off well for you in the bedroom later, because she’ll treat it like a performance—like she’s the star of her own NC-17 movie.
Michael Pitt and Louis Garrel look like male models or whatever, and ordinarily that might make you feel disappointed about your own body (or make her feel disappointed in your body) but they spend the whole damn movie walking around with small, limp dicks, so it doesn’t matter. When you bust out your very hard and very real cock later, she’ll forgive you for not being as thin or attractive as them. (Largely due to your cock being more impressive, but also because she’ll be too damn horny by that point to care about your gut.)
The only problem with this movie is that it’s gonna make your girl want to fuck you on her period even more than she probably already does. There’s a sex scene involving a little bit of blood, and it’s a really hot scene. So if you’re vehemently against the idea of a period sex, don’t watch this movie with her, because she’ll definitely hound you next time she’s on the rag. However, the hotness of the scene might gateway you into being legitimately willing. Who knows. Just watch it dude. Be a man. #YOLO
3-Iron | Written & Directed by Kim Ki-duk | 88 min.
But maybe your girl needs some god damned gentle love sex. Everyone needs that from time to time. Maybe even you. Here’s a beautiful romance that you and her can be genuinely affected by, and maybe even cry together over, before you have tender sexytimes. It’s extremely unpredictable, and doesn’t rely on any tear-jerker romance cliches, and will truly remind you how much y’all love each other—that is, if you do love each other. If this is just some ‘for now’ chick you’re with, don’t you dare show her this movie, because if you do, she’s gonna start thinking you have real feelings for her, dude. Don’t you dare do that to this poor girl. This is a powerful god damned movie. And with great power comes great responsibility. Save this movie for the girl you truly love. That is, if she’s okay with subtitles, and okay with Asian people. Although who the fuck would legit fall in love with some racist chick who hates reading? If you’re gonna fall in love with a racist, at least find one who can read. Beggars can’t be choosers though, I guess. Maybe that’s all you can get. In that case, I’m sorry I ragged on you dude. If she brings magic to your life, who am I to judge? And who am I to throw stones? At the end of the day, we’re all a little racist and illiterate. So I actually think it’s beautiful y’all found each other. Respect.
My Boyfriend’s Back | Directed by Bob Balaban | 85 min.
This is a really unusual and rarely heard-of movie. It kinda never found its proper home, because 90‘s campy horror hasn’t yet received a resurgence quite like 80‘s campy horror did. But if your girl is one of those girls that loves cheesy 80’s movies or whatever, she’ll definitely like this. Just do me a favor and make sure she’s legal. Seems suspect that an of-age chick would have a huge affinity for that sort of thing. You get to a certain age and then you’re over it, you know? Just seems fishy. She’s probably a runaway, dude.
Anyway, this is the perfect movie to watch with her on Valentine’s Day. Especially since although so much about it is corny and fun to both laugh at and laugh with, it really does have a strong emotional core. During the climax, you may actually tear up a bit. I can think of no other movie of this sub-genre that has the effect. But seriously dude, I’d watch it when it comes to crying around your little underage runaway live-in whore. If you do, she might start to get clingy. She might start to love you. And the last thing you need to see as you’re about to bring your axe down upon her neck is a look of genuine heartache. You’ve got enough on your plate without having those soul-broken eyes tattooed in your mind, you know? Putting her into various body bags, weighing them down, dumping her into the east river. That kind of shit takes full concentration. So if you’re gonna cry during this movie, excuse yourself to the bathroom and do it with the faucet on. Like a man.
I should also mention that this is directed by Bob Balaban. And who doesn’t love Bob Balaban? Even if you don’t know who I’m talking about by name, trust me, you love him. He’s in like every thing ever. All the Christopher Guest movies, and a whole bunch of other stuff too. Support him and his unfortunately underappreciated movie.
Never Again | Written & Directed by Eric Schaeffer | 98 min.
Does your girl love Arrested Development? Does she talk about it incessantly, and makes references to it ad nauseum? Is that all she fucking ever wants to fucking watch, despite y’all having re-watched it like a million times already? If so, here’s your Valentine’s Day movie. Jeffrey Tambor is the romantic lead, and he’s wonderful. Funny and relatable and nuanced and everything you’d expect him to be. And he plays opposite the late great Jill Clayburgh, a tremendous actress that is so insanely charming here that you will want to have sex with a 50-year-old woman immediately.
The supporting actors are all great too. Bill Duke (from Predator!) Peter Dinklage (from Game of Thrones!) and Michael McKean (from everything ever!) all make appearances. This is a hell of a romantic comedy that unfortunately slipped through the cracks, due to the fact that it is about grown folks falling in love and not ‘hot’ young people. I highly recommend it. However, I should warn you that the opening song is pretty annoying, and some of the other music in it is annoying as well. Ignore that shit, because other than that, it’s really quite solid, and definitely relatable no matter your age.
But dude, you gotta do something about your Arrested Development obsessed girl. Wean her onto The Larry Sanders Show or something. It’s on Netflix Instant. You can start right now. You’re welcome.
Wanderlust | Directed by David Wain | 98 min.
This is good for a girl who can’t stand any and all romantic stuff in movies. One of those chicks with some weird-ass wall up in her heart, preventing movies from ever causing her to really feel some shit, other than laughter. This one is laughs-a-plenty, and although it’s about a married couple, and is technically kind of a romantic story, there’s really nothing particularly ‘romantic’ about them. They’re just kinda together. Just like you’re ‘just kinda together’ with this weird part-robot chick you’re trying to ‘figure out’. Shit or get off the pot, man. But really, get off the pot. She ain’t gonna just wake up with a heart one day. And if she’s this dismissive to romance in movies, just think how dismissive this bitch is gonna be when you start having real conversations about how you feel about each other? Heartless chicks will rip out your heart. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
This would also be good to watch with a girl who always demands to watch ‘something recent’. One of those girls who thinks movies have a damn expiration date like milk or whatever. When you suggest this movie to her, she’ll definitely not have seen it, because for some weird reason, absolutely no one has seen this hilarious movie. She’ll be all “Oh! I wanted to see that! I love Paul Rudd! I love Jennifer Aniston!” and then you’ll watch it, and you’ll both enjoy it, and then afterwards you’ll have what for you will be empty sex, because you know deep down you can never respect someone so fucking dismissive of anything that isn’t current. I’ll tell you what, dude—rub one out to some vintage porn while she’s sleeping. It’ll feel great because for one thing, you’ll be having pleasure she’s not in control of, and two, because you know she’d hate the fact that the porn was so old, and would totally make fun of their body hair and styles and not at all realize that the composition and lighting and vibe is fantastic. Vapid bitch.
Marriage, Italian Style | Directed by Vittorio De Sica | 102 min.
Speaking of old stuff that is good, this is one of the best god damn foreign comedies ever. If you have a girl who appreciates foreign stuff, and funny stuff, and older stuff, y’all lovebirds owe it to yourselves to watch this movie together. Sophia Loren does not get enough credit as an actress. She’s so gorgeous that people just assume she’s a bad actress, since they’ve never seen her in anything and just have heard her name and seen her lovely face and cartoonish body or whatever. But she’s seriously talented, and genuinely funny. By the way, if your girl loves the movie Moonstruck (all the good ones do) she’ll definitely dig this one. Same kinda ‘Italian families are crazy and lovely’ vibe, but the storytelling is way better. It’s really a true classic, and I can’t say enough good things about it. By the way, marry this girl.
The Wedding Singer | Directed by Frank Coraci | 95 min.
This is a worst case scenario movie. What I mean is, this is for if your girl absolutely insists you and her watch something she’s already seen a million times already. If that’s the ultimatum, go with this one, because it’s probably the most stomachable of all possible chick flicks to have to watch with her. Sure most of the jokes fall flat, but Sandler and Barrymore have great chemistry, and honestly, the third act is insanely well-constructed. I don’t know who the fuck they flew in to tighten this fucker up, but damn. If you wanna learn how to knock a third act out of the park, study this one.
But dude, we need to talk about this girl you’re dating. You really couldn’t get her to watch something she hasn’t seen before? Alright, be honest now—is she intelligent? She isn’t, is she. She scoffs at all the brilliant movies you like. What’s keeping you with her? I’m sure you’ve stood in her overly-girly apartment, staring at her DVD collection as she takes forever in the bathroom, thinking to yourself, “I made a mistake.” Well, fucking do something about it. Break it off. Find yourself a girl you can watch Marriage, Italian Style with. And if you can’t—fuck it, go out with fake-dark chick for a while. It’s damn near a rite of passage.
Bitches be complicated and picking movies out be complicated too. Aren’t you glad Smug Film exists? All doing the homework for you or whatever? Yeah yeah, I love you too. By the way, if you have any other ideas of good Valentine’s Day movies, leave them in the comments section.