Category: Reviews

That Hercules Movie with The Rock in it is The Greatest Movie Ever Made

hercules

Hercules (2014)
Directed by Brett Ratner
Screenplay by Ryan Condal & Evan Spiliotopoulos
98 min.

Trust me, I’m as surprised as you are. I mean, I thought I’d like it—The Scorpion King is serviceable, cheesy fun and I figured this one would be up that same alley—but holy shit, this thing is a masterpiece. Easily the best film I’ve seen all year long. And while yes, the title of this piece is hyperbolic, it’s not as hyperbolic as you might think. There is true brilliance in this film. It is a singular work with something truly unique to say, just waiting to be discovered.

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The Death Trilogy’s Finale: Last Days

lastdaysphotoLast Days (2005)
Written and Directed by Gus Van Sant
97 min.

This is the third in a three-part series on Gus Van Sant’s Death Trilogy:
Examining Gus Van Sant’s Death Trilogy (Part 1)
Gus Van Sand: Harry Brewis on ‘Gerry’ (Part 2)

Last Days is the second worst movie I’ve ever seen. No, let’s not even say ‘movie’—second worst bunch of footage, as Greg DeLiso would put it. There are two-hour long conspiracy theory videos on YouTube I’d prefer to rewatch sooner than this.

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Jenna Does Elvis #9 – Girl Happy (1965) / Tickle Me (1965)

girltickleWell, I can finally say that I’m in no-man’s land as far as these films are concerned. With The British Invasion in full swing and the quality of these films going down, down, down, Elvis was starting to lose his patience and it shows. In fact, he hated the music he was forced to record for Girl Happy so much he refused to record any new songs for several months after—and I can’t say I blame him. As a result, all of the songs in Tickle Me are just recycled from previous recordings.

As for me, well, I’ve now watched eighteen Elvis films—that’s more than halfway through—and I’m finally starting to feel some fatigue. On one hand, I’m really enjoying how much Elvis knowledge I’ve acquired; I find myself able to have conversations with people I know in which I drop a ton of Elvis facts with ease and confidence, and watch them respond in turn with polite nods and glances at their watches. Well, after these next two films, I too was looking at my watch. The year is 1965, and as dopey as I thought Help! was, these next two make it look like a lost Spielberg epic.

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Jenna Does Elvis #8 – Viva Las Vegas (1964) / Roustabout (1964)

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I’ve hit another milestone—Viva Las Vegas! Now we’re getting into Elvis’ second wind, as both of the following films include well-known leading ladies—Ann-Margret in Vegas and Barbara Stanwyck in Roustabout. I’ve gotta say, having at least one other good actor in these Elvis movies improves them tenfold. Elvis isn’t bad on his own, but when he’s surrounded by blandness—in the script and otherwise—he tends to turn off. These films aren’t going to win a MENSA award anytime soon, but you’d think the producers would have made more of an effort to keep them enjoyable. Both Ann-Margret and Barbara Stanwyck really help elevate both films into the ‘watchable’ category:

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Why I Turned It Off #1 – Tusk (2014)

tusk

Tusk (2014)
Written and Directed by Kevin Smith
102 min. (5 min. watched)

Hey y’all, this is a new series where I talk about movies I couldn’t finish and why. I’m not like Jenna—I don’t think you should Always Finish The Goddamn Movie. To me, if fifteen minutes go by and it hasn’t interested you at all yet, or if somewhere along the way to that fifteen minute mark it commits some sort of unforgivably lame act that makes you wanna abort mission, I say just hit stop and put something else on. No shame in that whatsoever. First of all, you aren’t doing a movie any favors if you force yourself to watch it when you know you’re not in the mood for its vibe. And second, I wholeheartedly believe that there are certain indefensible things a movie can do that can shatter your faith in it completely. And I’m not talking trivial, nitpicky, clickbait-y, CinemaSins style offenses—I’m talking straight up, fuck this movie, we’re done here type shit.

Case in point: the opening scene of Tusk.

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