5 Good Reasons Not To See Guardians of the Galaxy

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Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Directed by James Gunn
Written by James Gunn & Nicole Perlman
121 min.

Spoiler-free.

Guardians of the Galaxy is a new movie that has just come out and apparently it’s great or something. It’s got a raccoon and a green lady and tree guy and a regular guy and another guy, and they’re all in space doing stuff. It’s directed by James Gunn, who made Slither, a great movie, and wrote the Dawn of the Dead remake, a quite good movie. His other movie Super was bad, but whatever. Quoth the Neil Hamburger, “They can’t all be zingers!” But I digress.

Everyone’s saying you should see this thing, and maybe they have a point, but I can think of five good reasons why you shouldn’t.

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‘Scooter Trash’: Art Porn By A Bunch Of Bikers

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Scooter Trash (1985) Directed by Boz Crawford 80 min.

The way I heard about this movie was through Jeff Krulik’s 1996 documentary short King of Porn, about Ralph Whittington, owner of one of the largest pornography collections in the world. His collection currently resides at the Museum of Sex.

One of the pornos Ralph talks about in the doc is Scooter Trash, which features real bikers from upstate NY. Being a NYC native and a fan of all things unique when it comes cinema, I had to track it down.

It was surprisingly easy to find a torrent for it and download it—I guess there are a handful of Scooter Trash fans out there seeding it 24/7. Good on them for doing so, because this is a pretty remarkable movie.

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‘Todd Solondz on Becoming a Filmmaker’: An Unintentional Short Film

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As of the time I’m writing this, Todd Solondz on Becoming a Filmmaker & Welcome to the Dollhouse has 412 views in the 6 months it’s been online. That is a travesty. It’s one of the best short films I’ve seen in ages, albeit an unintentional one.

It’s basically just Todd Solondz being interviewed by a film major at Drexel University, Zachary Shevich, but really it’s so much more. It contains all the precise uncomfortability you might expect from a Solondz film, but wholly organic. For starters, it’s as though Solondz is being interviewed by one of his characters—Zachary’s vibe and mannerisms and attire are similar to that of the protagonist of Dark Horse and certain side characters from Storytelling, Palindromes, and Life During Wartime. Then, there’s the production values—the setting, a college screening room, is uncomfortably overlit; Solondz’ lavalier microphone is placed on the wrong side of his lapel for the direction he is speaking, as though they were nervous to be interviewing him and weren’t thinking, and maybe even switched sides last minute; the lower third graphic stating their names is a depressingly ugly, brown, clipart film strip, with a bland font; there are random mic rumbles here and there from breathing and fidgeting, and at certain points, Solondz bows his head and accidentally talks quite loudly into his mic. On top of all of this, you of course have Solondz’ calmly dour and intimidating demeanor. It’s a must-watch.

My favorite moment is the cut at 1:23 where we see the exact distance and body language of our two characters. That’s the shot at the top of this post. By the way, there’s a Part 2! You can watch both parts below:

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The Worst Horror Trailer And Poster Of All Time

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Stuck is one of the best horror movies of the last decade, and one of the only ones to ever make me cringe. It’s not for the faint of heart—and I mean that on a things-happening-to-the-human-body level as well as a human-beings-being-awful-to-each-other level.

It’s based on the (unfortunately) true story of a woman named Chante Jawan Mallard who, while driving home under the influence, hit a homeless man with her car. She then continued home with the man stuck, still alive, in the front windshield of her car, and intentionally left him to die in her garage. She is currently serving a 50-year sentence in a Texas prison.

It’s a horrific story, and fittingly, the film does not play the scenario for laughs. Unfortunately, the trailer does just that:

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10 Underrated Smug Film Posts

This is our 250th post! Woo! That’s a hell of a lot of posts, and even if you’re a fan of the site, you probably haven’t read all of them. So, here’s a list of some posts that have slipped through the cracks and don’t have as many views as some others, but are great and certainly worth checking out:

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Proposed Double Feature: ‘The 400 Blows’ & ‘The Creature Who Walks Among Us’ | by John D’Amico

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